Baltimoron in DC
When You Get Caught Between Charm City and Chocolate City

Another post game report

Since LaTesta wants funny awards, I’ll give you some funny awards.

1) The “Resting on His Laurels” award goes to Ken,who, after a MONSTER game 10 days ago, in which he was a star on both sides of the ball. This past week…I don’t know. Yeah, he scored, but he also handed the ball to the other team in the end zone for a gift TD. I guess motivation was the issue, since he didn’t have his Chowderhead rooting section in town. I’m sorry you only get up for the big games, Ken. You’re worse than Leon from the Budweiser commercials.

2) The “Method Man and Redman” award goes to the blond guy on the other team who I covered a bit. When the ball was thrown behind him, and he twisted and dove backwards to get it, the ball grazed off his arm and into his grill, laces first. I thought he might have hurt himself, but he got up with a nice “Wilson” markon his forehead. His mug was redder than John Goodman running a wind sprint.

3) The “Dave Wannstedt Award” for Quarterback Stability goes to the other team. What did they use, 4 different QBs?

4) The “Get That Schizznit Out My Face” award goes to Lauren, for the smackdown she gave that pass towards the end of the game.

5) The “See, Catching’s Easy” award goes to Scott, for finally using his hands to catch a football instead of his imagination when he’s wide open.

6) The Spiccoli Award goes to the Kevin Federline lookalike on their team who looked at the Attman boys and said “whoa, twins.”

7) The Lockdown Cornerback Award from me is now given to Bloomie, with three monster picks. I would like to say I’ve had one key pass defense this year, and my alarming lack of interceptions stems more from the oppositions’ reluctance to throw towards me more thanthan anything else. I’m guessing the Bloom looked like an easier target. Can’t say I blame them. I do look like a beast out there, what with my cute widdle Under Armour receiver gloves, knee brace, swim trunks, orange shirt and prescription sunglasses. I look like a reject off the old Tampa Bay Bucs practice squads when they wore the god-awful orange jerseys. Note to fashion police – I don’t wanna sound too Carson Kressler on ya, but I ain’t doin’ orange again. I’m so not a summer. Washes out my complexion.

8) The “My Dog’s Louder Than Your Dog” award goes to Shannon and her pooch Quigley. That dog sure does love you, Shannon. My Kramer barks maybe once a week. So, your dog is louder than my dog. Hence, the award for you and yer pooch.

and

9) The “OK, It’s Now Getting Ridic-frickin’-lous”Award goes to the women, again, for playing Iron Woman football. 3 girls, every play. I’m so tempted to bring like, 8 bucks to the next game, hire some Patterson Park crack whores, and give them an orange shirt. Trust me – we don’t want the shirts back, but at least it would give the gals a chance to catch their breath. I can see it now “Hi, I’m Scott, the coach. Ray, Mark,Andy, this is DeeDee. DeeDee, this is Ray, Mark and Andy. Also, I want you to meet my brother-in-law Chris. Not only is he our quarterback, but he’ll also be your pro-bono legal representation.”

Don’t laugh – I’ve lived next to Patterson Park. Those chicks can flat-out fly, especially when BaltimoreCity PD break out that helicopter. They make mores that OJ Simpson running through an airport terminal in a Hertz commercial would be proud of. I guess lack of body fat and anything resembling solid food in their gullet makes ya fast. I seed it, man. Seed it wit my own eye.

Seacrest, out.

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