Baltimoron in DC
When You Get Caught Between Charm City and Chocolate City

My Own Private MapQuest

— Evan Kreitzer wrote:



> don’t know if he’ll be there, he has a lot going on

> at work this week. I’ll try and get him out there,

> having beer there may help to draw my meathead

> friend out of the faraway land we call Columbia.

Here’s how to get out of Columbia, Tully:

Just turn left at the cul-de-sac, right at the planned

community, go straight at the intersection of Kind Bud

Path and Dismissed Soccer Mom Parkway, by that road

that curves by that gas station you don’t see until

you’ve passed it, hang a baby-u-ee on Whispering

Deerprint Babbling Brook Stone House Lane, go

catty-corner by Flatuence Meadows Village and when you

see the Best Buy, bang a right. Up ahead there will be

a sign that says “US 29 – 3 miles.” Should only take

about 2 hours at that point. Tully, you’ll circle

around Broken Hip Parkway, and you’ll see Vague

Concept Road. Don’t do anything there. When the light

changes, you’ll pass by Holden Caulfield Boulevard,

but, it’s a phony sign and you won’t care. You’ll see

the Best Buy again, but this time a little retarded

kid from New Hampshire will tell you “Blug.” But,

he’ll also be gesturing to a sign that says “US 29 – 9

Miles.” So, you’re getting close.

By this time, you’ll be thirsty, so choose which

Starbucks to go to – there are only three at that

intersection, so for God’s sakes man, don’t go towards

the corner sans Starbucks – and get a half-caf,

half-decaf macchiato from that pierced, ironic guy

“Bryce” – don’t worry, he works at all three. He’ll

give you extra foam for free, if you know what I mean.

You’ll cross over Pointing Asian Way and Alarmed Dog

Run, make a right on that curvy road, and then watch

out for Bitter Divorce Lake – it sneaks up on ya and

will take your car if you fall into it. If you get

past that, though, you’ll see the ramp for 29, which

leads to 40, which leads you to the Beltway, and then

you’re clear.

If you see the school for gimp kids, you’ve gone too


Hope this helps.

– me


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