Baltimoron in DC
When You Get Caught Between Charm City and Chocolate City

Bowling night recap

STIMONIUM – (AP) – In a thrilling, nail-biting match that came down to the last frame, the Team on Lane One beat the Team on Lane Two by, like 12 pins, or something.

“It was a hard-fought match, and I’m glad we won” exclaimed a happy, but exhausted Laura. “It makes the Baby Guinesses I drank before the match and the beer during the thing with that stuff and the pins and ball that much more betterifed and oh dear who’s driving me home?”

Chaos was the name of the game early on at Timonium Lanes, as all the people who’s first name begins with”L” formed a team, a team who played exclusively on lane 1. Hence, the team name, the Team on Lane One. Their display only showed the first initial of the first name, and that sowed seeds of discontent that sprouted in the Team on Lane Two.

“Seeing all those ‘L’s on the scoreboard really threw me off,” said Kevin. “We never knew who was bowling on that lane – was it Lauren? Could it be Luke? What if it’s Laura?”

“Just way too much for me to absorb, you know?” he concluded. “My liver can only take so much.”

Scott echoed those sentiments. “I thought they needed an Oswald or Olivia in the middle so I’d know I could ‘Laugh out loud’ at them, or something.”

Luke, who proved that he is more than just a one-sport star in Wiffleball, led all bowlers with, like, 200 or some pins over two games. I don’t know, really, just kind of guessing. “I really tried to stay focused out there. It’s hard to concentrate when you don’t know when it’s your turn, and all you see is an initial” he summized.

Kevin agreed with Luke. “It was hard to stay focused,no doubt. Going to a Rock-and-Bowl as a solid member of Generation X, on a Saturday night, and NOT being strung out on cocaine, or being a drug mule for anAfghani opium ring, well, it’s hard. Almost 30 years old and this is my life now. No, no, I’m cool with it.”

“Especially with all the primo teenage girls out there” Scott added. “In three years, or when your curfew is past 11, you know, whatever, remember the name ‘Scott Kreitzer’ ladies!” he said.

The Team on Lane One had a valiant effort from Lauren.Her knee, still adorned with a metal brace that gives her a walking gait reminiscent of the wounded RoboCop, played through the pain and bowled several balls that actually hit pins.

The battle for top scorer was a tight race between Luke and Ray. High expectations were heaped on both men, as both teams looked at them as leaders on their teams.”Essentially, we two are the only guys who have our own shoes” explained Ray. “I guess Luke likes to bowl,and I sincerely doubt a half-shot of Lysol is going to kill the fungi some of those shoes build up. I’m no germophobe, but I ain’t puttin’ my tootsies anywhere near the shoes that ‘Stinky Joe and the Fat Kid’ used on lane 14 30 minutes ago. My bowling shoes aren’t a statement; they’re a twenty-dollar investment in avoiding athlete’s foot or lumbago or gout or whatever the hell you get on your feets.”

Both players used trickery, chicanery and straight-out cheating to win the coveted title “King of the Pigs.”

“Using gutter bumpers, as a grown adult. Man should be ashamed,” exclaimed bowling traditionalist Ray, referring to Luke’s method of cheating. “Nobody outside of crippled blind Downs’ syndrome kids should ever use gutter bumpers, and that’s only if you think those types of kids should be coddled. Life’s hard;teach them young, I always say.”

When noting that fellow Team on Lane One members Lauraand Lauren also used the bumpers, Ray quickly summized that his previous statement about crippled kids”pretty much deep-sixed” any chance he ever had with scoring with either Laura, Lauren, or, perchance, both.

Luke had less-than-kind comments about Ray’s methods as well. “The man brings a ten-pin ball to playduckpins. That’s like using a hand grenade to kill a spider. Little overkill there.”

“Well,” exclaimed Ray, “you must admit, watching a ten-pin ball hit duckpins is a sick fun, kind of like watching a Escalade mow down a slow-moving suburban squirrel who dares cross Red Run Boulevard in Owings Mills.”

Luke was forced to agree with that statement, if only for the sound effect factor, but still thought Ray’s use of a BB gun to shoot down remaining pins from a ‘sniper’s nest’ made up of empty beer cups and serving trays was a bit much.

A positive note for the Team on Lane Two was the rapid improvement of Kevin’s bowling throughout the night, further fueling speculation that he really is run on alcohol. Much like the middle act at a bad comedy club, the more beer, the better he got.

Kevin’s liver could not be reached for comment for this story, but his spleen did issue a statement, requesting a trade to the Los Angeles Lakers for Lamar Odom and an organ to be named later.

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